The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North
by The morrigan three
Summary: Why do elves always think they know best? Men from Gondor think they're god's gift and hobbits are just useless. How am I supposed to rule over them as King when they just keep ignoring me? And don't even get me started on Theoden... A Diary of a King
1. Waiting in the Prancing Pony

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings.

In light of my Severus Snape diary doing so well, I am going to write a diary for Aragorn. So here goes…

Chapter One: In the Prancing Pony

**Waiting for little people to turn up**

I'm sat in a smoky pub, smoking and drinking waiting for a sprog to turn up with the ring of all power and I could be sat on my own near a nice log fire or beheading a few orcs. Why did I have to be a friend of Gandalf's? He's always getting me to do stuff he can't be bothered doing. And I have to remember not to get drunk, what's the point of being in a pub if you can't get drunk. Even that hobbit is dancing on the table- then again hobbits never could hold their alcohol, I think it's something to do with them being so small. Wait a minute, dwarves are small and they can drink anything. I think I am being watched; four hobbits in the corner are staring at me. What? I'm not weird looking. In fact, I'm the most gorgeous human on this earth and you would notice that if I didn't have my hood up.

**Still waiting for little people to turn.**

One of them hobbits that were watching me before is completely drunk. And his little friend is running over to him, and now he has been knocked to the floor, there might be a fight! Nope, the friend has disappeared. That's the one I'm looking for I think. What happened to Gandalf telling him "Don't draw attention to yourself?" Hobbits. Who'd have them? Suppose I had better go and fetch him.

"You draw far to much attention to yourself, Mr Baggins." Grab the hobbit, drag him up the stairs.

"What do you want?" Another drink, some more pipeweed, a beautiful wife whose father doesn't hate me, how long have you got?

"A little more caution from you, that's no trinket that you carry."

"I carry nothing." Yeh, and let me guess, you didn't mean to disappear in front of a crowd of people either.

"I can avoid being seen if I wish." Stub out candles. Without burning yourself this time.

"But to disappear entirely. That's a rare gift." Rip back hood, glare in a menacing kind of way. Advance on hobbit like a leopard on its pray. Okay, not quite a leopard, but you get what I mean.

"Who are you?" Aragorn, Ranger of the North, King of all men!

"Are you frightened?"

"Yes." You should be. I'm scary. And can be quite nasty.

"Not nearly frightened enough. I know what haunts you." Yep, nine big scaly things that ride black horses.

Then the door suddenly crashed open and three hobbits were stood there with chairs. I almost felt like giving one of them a good kick just to teach them a lesson.

"You are brave, but that will not save you." I can though. Because I am brilliant.

**Sat at window watching Nazgul rip beds up**

It's actually quite entertaining. Now they are screaming and they've woken the hobbits up.

"What are they?" I don't know. What do you want me to do? Go over and ask them?

"They were once men, but then they got rings and turned into them things over there. They answer to Sauron."

"Oh."

"Precisely."

**Walking along, very slowly because hobbits have little legs.**

Bought (well stole) a pony, but didn't tell the hobbits, they may think I steal things all the time. Which I don't, technically I borrow things. I'm Aragorn the borrower. All them hobbits keep whinging about is food and now I'm not going to stop for dinner either, we're going to keep going until nightfall. That'll teach them to moan about being hungry.

**At the watchtower, sat on my own trying to smoke in peace without brats asking me stupid questions.**

Whatever I do they ask questions, I gave them a sword each and its:

"What are these for Strider? Are we going to get attacked Strider? I don't know how to fight Strider. Will you teach me Strider?"

I filled up my pipe and it was:

"I have a pipe too Strider. But I don't tend to smoke that much. I've never tried pipeweed Strider. What's it like Strider? How much is it Strider? Where did you get it from Strider?"

They insist on saying my code name (Strider) all the time. Strider stands for- Sexy Trained Individual with Delicious Ears and is Royalty. I made it up myself.

The Nazgul are here. Wait a minute; them stupid little hobbits have started a fire! Have they learnt nothing! But I haven't finished my pipe yet. Oh well, it's their own fault, I didn't tell them to build a fire.

**I suppose I had better go and help.**

Show off my great fighting skills. The pipe will just have to wait. Look at my great skills! Years of practise this took! I can sword fight, shoot arrows, knives anything! Marvel at the wonder that is me! Frodo has just been stabbed. Great. It's his fault, not mine.

"You took your time." Well of all the cheeky, ungrateful little squirts! I have just fought off five wraiths and you say, "You took your time." I should leave you here and see if you still say, "You took your time," after passing into the shadow world. I suppose you can't really say much when you're half dead, but that's not the point.

**Half way to Rivendell, trying to find some herbs for Frodo**

Why are herbs so hard to find? And I haven't brought a blender with me so I'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Chew them up and spit them into his shoulder.

"What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"

"No, I knew you were there all the time actually, I just didn't want to say anything."

"You're an arrogant old fart, you know that?"

"Yes. And that's why you love me."

"No, I love you because some day you are going to be King and that would make me Queen. Where is Frodo?"

"Over there." She wasn't serious about the whole being Queen thing, was she?

"Are you sure he won't catch something worse off you?" If that Sam makes one more sarcastic comment, Frodo won't be the only one near dead.

"Bye Arwen!" She can deal with Nazgul better than I can.

"Come on. Forward to Rivendell!"

"Strider?"

"What."

"I'm hungry." Arrggghh!!

**At Rivendell. Avoiding Elrond like he is the plague.**

I don't what to talk to him. He'll come out with a stupid comment like:

"I hear that Arwen saved Frodo? Where were you?"

I was saving the other three hobbits, where were you? It's only because he's bitter about Isildur keeping the ring when he told him to chuck into the fire.

Elrond has called the leaders of all the people to a council meeting, and I have already chosen my seat. The big comfy one at the end. I hope nobody from Gondor comes, they all think they are brilliant when they aren't.

**Just had a really soppy moment with Arwen in the middle of a bridge.**

She gave me her necklace thing and I think it is so that I can live a bit longer and she will die with me. Isn't she nice? Not sure what to think, I kept expecting Elrond to jump out from inside a bush and go "April fool!"

**Heading to the council**

Someone has sat on my seat, some long- haired ginger twit from Gondor.

"Excuse me. I was sat there."

"Has it got your name on?"

"Yes, actually it has." Ha, I carved it on yesterday. That showed you.

They're all arguing now. The ginger one is saying we should take it to Gondor. I don't think so.

"The ring answers to Sauron alone."

"What would a ranger know about this?" What would a ginger nut know about it?

"This is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn." No autographs, please, please.

"Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?" Yes. Your point?

"And heir to the throne of Gondor."

"Gondor has no King. Gondor needs no King." I think you'll find that you do need a King, and seen as I'm the only one who can be King, I'm the one who should be King.

They're all arguing again. Who should take the ring to Mordor, why it should be the elves, why it should be the dwarves, I'm surprised Frodo hasn't said that he should take it. I'm definitely not.

"I'll take it!" Told you that would happen. That hobbit has a death wish.

"I will accompany you on this journey Frodo Baggins." Gandalf was never one to miss a party. Why's he looking at me? Oh I get it, he wants me to come along to. Well tough. I'm not.

"You have my bow." Elves. They always have to stick their noses in where they're not wanted.

"And my axe." An Elf and a dwarf travelling together for who knows how long? I'm definitely not going.

"Aragorn?"

"Yes Elrond?"

"Do you want to say something to Frodo?"

"Not really."

"About your sword?"

"No he's not having my sword!"

"About protecting him?"

"He's got a wizard, an elf and a dwarf to protec…" I hate it when Elrond gives you that look.

"Aragorn."

"Fine. You have my sword." I hate Elves.


	2. Saruman isn't as stupid as he looks

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings

I know that the necklace doesn't make Aragorn live longer, but Aragorn thinks it does! That's the point. And I have corrected the grammar mistakes that I could find.

Thanks for all the reviews.

Chapter two: Saruman isn't as green as he is cabbage looking.

**Ready to set off for Mordor**

All of the hobbits have decided to come, after Frodo volunteered to take the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin came running out and said "We're coming too!" And Sam turned around and gave me this really annoying smug grin. Apparently it was him that started the fire at the watchtower. I always knew he was stupid.

**Walking up hills, and down them and round them and under them**

I don't see why I have to be at the back. There's Gandalf at the front, leading the way with Legolas behind him then the hobbits then the dwarf then the ginger nut then me. And he keeps trying to talk to me, I am quite happy to walk in silence but oh no, he wants to talk about Gondor the whole time. How great it is and he is obviously telling me that it's great without a King and me becoming King will probably make it rubbish again.

**Stopped for a rest**

The hobbits are beating Boromir up, it's very funny and Sam is cooking some stuff on a fire. Smoking my pipe in peace, while Legolas prances around on the rocks. Show off. Gandalf says we are taking the Road of Gondor, which I'm not too happy about. Anything with Gondor in the title spells trouble for a King gone Ranger.

**Stuck under a rock with Frodo**

Just been 'attacked' by a bunch of birds Gandalf says came from Saruman, but I've been wondering, what if it was just a flock of birds? They didn't look like Saruman and they didn't have big white handprints on them. Now Gandalf wants to hike a mountain, I don't think anyone is too pleased about it, especially not Boromir. He keeps saying:

"Bloody birds. I haven't been along the Road of Gondor in ages; it's quite nice this time of year. Stopped by a bunch of birds!"

I wish he'd shut up. I'm only on this 'quest' because Elrond wants me as far away as possible from his daughter, and if I die in the process, even better. I did not come to listen to a bloke from Gondor whinging about birds.

**Half way up mountain**

It's freezing and we're not even quarter of the way up yet. My pipeweed has frozen in its packet, the hobbits are up to their waists in snow already and Legolas is prancing along in front on top of the snow saying really annoying things like:

"Hurry up or we won't get very far before nightfall!"

I nearly fell over laughing when Boromir threw a snowball and it hit him on the head. Maybe he isn't as bad as he seems.

**Boromir isn't as bad as he seems. He is worse.**

Frodo fell down the mountain as was about to die, until I caught him and saved his life. That's the second time isn't it? Anyway, he lost the ring on the way and Boromir picked it up and looked at it like it was a pot of gold. I said:

"Boromir." And he looked at me as though he was about to run off and I was going to have to chase after him.

"Give the ring to Frodo." Then he went towards Frodo and held it out towards him. Frodo snatched it and Boromir did this lop sided grin.

"I hear not." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is that even English? Maybe it's some sort of long lost Gondor language. "Aye, my ears do the talking!" Maybe I'm going crazy? It's the cold. Then he trudged off up the mountain with that massive shield that he can hardly lift.

**Saruman isn't as stupid as he looks**

Saruman attacked us half way up the mountain, he said some funny words and Gandalf shouted back at him, but the mountain collapsed and even Legolas didn't escape the snow. Now we are waiting outside the Mines of Moria until Gandalf finally remembers how to open the doors. I thought Gimli would be able to, be a dwarf and everything but he's too busy plaiting his beard. Legolas is doing his hair too, apparently the snow 'made it all knotty and I just can't stand having knotty hair!' He's so pompous. Arwen had better not be doing her hair every five minutes, what if she wants me to do my hair every day? I'm slowly going off the idea of marrying her. But then Elrond would have his way, and that would make him happy.

Gandalf asked Frodo whether we should go over the mountain or through the Mines of Moria. Now I'm not being picky, but how old is Frodo? Twenty? A bit older maybe. How old am I? Over seventy! I know I don't look it but I am and I have been nearly everywhere on this earth. Frodo just taken his first steps into the real world and yet they ask him whether we should trek over a mountain or go through the mines. He chose the mines. Stupid little hobbit. If I die I am going to blame him. And all my heart broken fans can blame him too.

Frodo just asked Gandalf what friend is in Elvish. I know what it is, so does Legolas and Gimli probably does too but he still asks Gandalf. Merry is throwing stones into the lake. I wouldn't, there are things in that pond that would scare even me. I'd better stop them. Gandalf has opened the doors too, so now we can sample the delightful 'hospitality' of the dwarves. Legolas doesn't look too happy about being in a massive, dark, damp cave that's probably full of dwarves.

**Or not as the case may be**

All the dwarves have been killed by the orcs. Boromir said a very good line when we saw the first dead dwarves.

"This is no mine (dramatic pause), it's a tomb." Big gasps from everybody. Scream of rage form Gimli.

Isn't that such a great line, I was just about to say it, but Boromir nicked it from me. And Frodo got attacked, again. I told Merry not to go annoying the things in the pond but it was too late. Frodo nearly got eaten, but I was there to rescue him, again. That's the third time isn't it? Actually no, it's the fourth time. First in the prancing pony, then on the watchtower, then on the mountain and now in the mines. I am just too good. Or incredibly stupid. We have relied on Gandalf's nose to get us through the mines so far and if we get lost I'm going to take the lead instead. I am a King after all. Leadership qualities run through my veins.

**Have stopped for a rest.**

I think Legolas is writing a diary too. I have to read it. But first I have to get it. Oh, and apparently there is something following us that wants the ring. As well as Saruman, Sauron, orcs, Frodo and Boromir wanting the ring. The more the merrier. When Frodo noticed it he said to Gandalf:

"There is something following us."

"Yes. Gollum."

"He escaped?"

"Escaped or was set free?"

"Bilbo should have killed him when he had the chance."

"Who can deal out death and judgement?" I was going to put my hand up, but Gandalf gave me such a glare that I quickly decided against it. But I am a King, and one of the things Kings do is judge people. I told Legolas this, but he said I shouldn't have gone into exile then I would have been able to be the King, so it's my own fault. I'm going to exile all elves when I become King, except Arwen.

**Found out something every important**

Legolas keeps his diary on his person at all times, so unless I attack him I won't be able to get it.

**Found a coffin.**

Of a dead dwarf. Called Durin and there was a skeleton holding a mouldy old book written in elfish that Gandalf read a bit from. It was a diary written by one of the orcs about drums and orcs and things like that. I hope there aren't any left in these mines, I don't like orcs, they smell and its impossible to fight when your eyes are watering. So now I'm stood listening to Gandalf going on about drums and not being able to get out. Pippin has just knocked a skeleton; its armour and the bucket it was sitting on down a well and Gandalf is having a go at him. Somebody is playing drums now, they're not very good at it, and Gandalf is looking very worried.

**Just fought off a least one hundred orcs**

And a stupid fat cave troll stabbed me. When Boromir says cave troll it sounds funny cos he's got dodgy accent. One of the orcs nearly shot him in the head, but they missed. See, they can never do anything right. I saved Frodo again, that's the fifth time isn't it? Just before getting stabbed however. And Frodo didn't even need saving because he was wearing a shiny coat of armour stuff and he didn't even get a scratch on him where as I have a massive bruise across my stomach. Currently stood in the middle of a massive hall, loud noises coming from everywhere and there are orcs pouring out of the ceiling. Legolas has told me to stop writing rubbish and get my sword ready. Cheeky bugger.

**Gandalf has just gone over the edge**

Literally. We didn't get to fight all of the orcs because this big Balrog thing came running after us and they all ran away. Then we ran over this bridge, which started to crumble under Gimli's weight, so I had to save Frodo again. Six times is it now? Who's accounting? Then we ran over another smaller bridge but Gandalf decided to be clever and fight the Balrog. Well, he lost but then again so did the Balrog because they both ended up falling off the edge. We all thought that Gandalf had won because the Balrog went over the edge and Gandalf did this little victory dance thing, or he might have been dodging all the arrows being shot at him. The Balrog's fire whip lashed itself around Gandalf's ankle and took him over the edge. I want one of those fire whips, they look really cool but you would have to make sure you didn't burn yourself on it.

All the hobbits are really sad, so are Legolas, Boromir and Gimli but I know that Gandalf will reappear; he's annoying like that. At least I'll be able to play leader for a while.

"Get them up!" My first command. To be obeyed immediately.

"Give them a moment to grieve for pity's sake." Boromir had only known him for three minutes and he's acting like a long time friend. I've heard him complaining to Gimli about the amount that Gandalf use to smoke. Apparently all his clothes smelt of smoke after just a day's travel. Pompous ginger Gondor bloke.

"By nightfall these hills will be crawling with orcs! We must reach the woods of Lothlorien." At least Legolas follows my orders. Where's Frodo wandered off? Ah, he's over there, not watching where he's going.

"Frodo!" Don't do the 'my goldfish's just been run over' look. It makes me really sad. We have to get going though, don't want to be surrounded by orcs now do we.

**Sprinting over fields and through streams**

Nearly there, the hobbits aren't keeping up but if they fall behind it's their own fault; an orc is not eating me just because their stubby little legs can't keep up. I can see the forest in front of us, Gimli is grumbling to himself about Elf witches and Legolas is giving him really bad evils. Boromir is just behind Gimli. Wait a minute; I thought Boromir was leaving us after a bit? He said, "I will travel with you to Gondor." Talk about changing your mind every three seconds. Still not been able to get Legolas' diary. Hopefully he will wash his clothes tonight and I can nick it then.

**Sat listening to elves wailing**

Apparently they are singing for Gandalf, I'm sure he wouldn't be very impressed. Spoke to Galadriel, she is very creepy and kept staring at me. She didn't really seem too upset about Gandalf, probably knows that he will turn up again. Legolas is going to wash his clothes in a minute so I'm going to go to where he is sleeping and have a poke around for his diary.

**Found it!**

It's very boring actually. All about how Gandalf and me smoking the whole time makes his hair smell of smoke, describing how annoying Gimli is and how ugly Boromir is. And there is a bit about me, listen:

_'Aragorn, Isildur's heir, is showing the leadership qualities that a King has. He has taken Frodo's protection very seriously and sticks by him the whole time. He has saved him around six times already and now that Gandalf has gone to a better place, Aragorn is now our leader. I have every faith in him to lead us on whatever path we shall take. However, I feel that he needs a wash and definitely needs a hair cut.'_

Charming. I need a wash do I? I'm a Ranger of the North! Strider- Sexy Trained Individual with Delicious Ears and is Royalty! I have that gorgeous rugged man look, what will I be if I have a wash? A clean nice-smelling man? Okay, I'll go and have a bath. But I'm not getting a hair cut!

**Just had a bath.**

Feel nice and clean. Legolas is on the warpath because someone has nicked his diary. I'll chuck it on his bedroom floor when he isn't there. He'll never know.

**He knows.**

He was waiting in the shadows when I returned his diary. I didn't know he was there, I thought he had gone for some food. I threw it on his bed and he jumped out.

"I knew someone had taken it. I am disappointed in you."

"Leadership qualities shown by a King?" That made him go bright red, and I swaggered out, just before the diary hit me on the back of the head, thrown by a very annoyed Legolas.

"Read about your disgusting hygiene too?"


	3. The Fellowship is over

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings and, unfortunately, I don't own Aragorn either. I would love to of course, so if anyone who is reading this wants to get me Aragorn as a Christmas present then I would be grateful. I don't know where you would get him form though; I suppose you could kidnap Viggo Mortensen, dress his back up as Aragorn, wrap him and send him to me. That would be such a cool Christmas present. But then again, you would probably be arrested for kidnap, then police would come and take Aragorn away from me and then I would be heartbroken. Unless of course Aragorn falls in love with me and decides to take me away to his massive mansion and buy me lots of presents. Actually, I would probably settle for Faramir or even Legolas because they're both yum. Don't even think about sending me Gimli. I will send him back.

Thanks for all the reviews!

Chapter three: The end of the Fellowship

**Well, there was no need for that**

Legolas isn't talking to me anymore (yeah!) and has therefore stuck me in a boat with Sam (great) who insists on me telling him everything I know about everything. He probably thought it wouldn't take that long, but I even surprised myself with how much knowledge is stored up in my gorgeous head.

**Bored**

This is so boring. The scenery is just a bunch of trees with a few manky logs floating past us. These boats are so slow that even Legolas is getting sick of them; he has in fact ordered us to row, which I am currently refusing to do. I am leader of this mission on therefore cannot waste my strength rowing two hobbits down a river. Just floating past them two big statues, I think I'm going to have to row or Legolas is going to throw something at me.

**Stopped for the night**

Legolas is trying to take over my position as leader, he keeps saying

"We should cross the river tonight." To which I answer

"No, we're staying here because there are orcs on the other side."

"It is not the eastern shore that worries me, a shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it." Why do elves talk in riddles? Why can't he just say what he means instead of trying to confuse me?

**Frodo's buggered off, and so has Boromir**

Where's Frodo? This is not good and Sam is going bonkers. Funny nobody seems bothered that Boromir is missing as well, he's a grown man he can look after himself. Frodo however might get eaten or killed or Boromir might find him. I can imagine it now.

"Give me the ring!" That's Boromir, obviously.

"No! Aragorn! Aragorn! Help me!" That's Frodo.

I suppose I had better go and find him, there he is. He's just fallen off some big stone thing.

"Frodo!"

"Ahhhhh!" That's friendly.

"It has taken Boromir." Have you only just worked that out?

"I know."

"Would you destroy it?" Yes, but I wouldn't go near Mount Doom so no. I probably wouldn't.

"I swore I would protect you." My spider sense is tingling. Orcs are near.

"Can you protect me from yourself?" Yes, but I'm not killing myself or anything like that.

"I would have gone with you to the end."

"I know!"

"Run Frodo!" Frodo's sword has turned blue, orcs are coming. He's running now, leaving me to fight millions of orcs on my own.

**Legolas turned up with Gimli**

We killed them all; except for a few that ran away because they were scared of us. Boromir is sounding that Horn. Show off. Now all the orcs are getting drawn to him, suppose I had better go and help. Boromir has three arrows in him, that can't be good, and there is a big ugly orc grinning at him holding a bow and arrow. I'll have to save him, rugby tackle!

**Snogged Boromir**

He didn't taste very nice. Well, it wasn't really a snog, more a peck on the head but oh well. Apparently Merry and Pippin have been taken by the orcs, Boromir died because of the arrows, Legolas has actually got a bit of mud on his face, Gimli is furious, Frodo has left for Mordor and I don't know where Sam is but hopefully he has gone with Frodo. Just tying Boromir to his boat with all his weapons, I don't know how he lugged that shield around because it is damn heavy. He's just disappearing over the waterfall now.

**Trying to decide whether to go after Frodo or Merry and Pippin**

I voted for Merry and Pippin, Gimli doesn't care as long as he gets to kill something and Legolas wants to go after Frodo. I must be the leader once more. Oh the burden…

"The fellowship has failed." Gimli keeps going on about that and it is really starting to annoy me.

"Not if we hold true to ourselves. Let's hunt some orc!" At least they followed me, I would have looked bloody stupid if they had got in a boat and gone after Frodo.


	4. Worship my greatness!

Disclaimer: Read the other chapter, actually that will probably take you about half an hour because I started to ramble a bit in the last chapter.

This is the second book by the way. Last one only took me three chapters.

Chapter four: Worship my greatness!

**Currently running around hills**

I'm sure we are going in circles. That rock looks rather familiar. Actually, they all look the same so I don't know if we have been here before. I know, my great ranger skills should tell me if we have been here already, but I'm tracking the orcs, I can't do two things at once. Legolas and me are sat having some tea waiting for Gimli to get his lard arse over here. He is so slow, I'm quite fast, Legolas just prances about, but what do you expect? He's an elf. Elves are known for prancing everywhere. Even Elrond prances when he is doing stuff; it's not a pretty sight. I think Gimli is appearing now, I can hear his asthmatic breathing ten miles off. I'm surprised Legolas isn't deafened by it. Legolas has just said something, I'll look mildly interested and then maybe he'll shut up.

**Orcs running very fast**

I am completely exhausted, Legolas keeps whinging because he has to brush his hair while running and Gimli has twisted his ankle. I don't think we are any nearer to the orcs. I'd better look like I am doing something that a leader would do. I'll listen to the sounds of the earth. That's what most leaders do. Isn't it?

**Listened to earth**

It's very boring. I can hear a lot of noise, but not much else. I think horses are somewhere, but apart from that I don't know anything. Legolas can see the orcs when he stands on big hills. Gimli is only a little bit behind us now; I think he getting use to running everywhere.

**Found the horses**

Told you there were horses running somewhere. It was the Riders of Rohan. I only recognised them because of Eomer at the front blocking out the sun with his big helmet. Maybe I should get a helmet like that? Anyway, apparently they have caught up with the orcs, slaughtered them all and Merry and Pippin may have 'accidentally' got killed in the crossfire. Eomer just doesn't want to admit that not everyone that talks to him is trying to kill him. Except for Gimli, Eomer called him small. Whatever you do, never say the obvious to a dwarf.

**Found burning pile of carcasses**

Eomer always has to show off, the leader is on a spike; actually it would be more accurate to say that his head is on a spike. Perhaps I had better do something that a leader would do when he fails? Scream and shout?

**Screamed and shouted for all I'm worth**

I don't feel any better either. Legolas looked at me as though I was crazy and Gimli was too busy sifting through the dead orcs. He's just found a belt belonging to one of the hobbits. Arrrggghhh! Maybe if I scream and chuck stuff about a bit more, Legolas will stop looking at me.

**I am great, all worship my greatness**

I tracked the hobbits into Fanghorn Forest; they weren't killed and burnt after all. Gimli is amazed at how good at tracking I am and Legolas doesn't believe it. Seriously, he thinks Pippin had the time to scrawl 'Aragorn, running into Fanghorn Forest away from orcs. Men have just come and killed most of them. One-armed orc after us. Hurry up and save us. Pippin,' in the dirt before running for his life and I scrubbed it out before anyone saw it.

**Gimli is tasting orc blood**

And then spitting it out again, dwarves, you can't take them out anywhere. The forest is very spoooooky! And Legolas keeps insisting that the trees are talking to him, I'm booking him into a mental institution the second we get back to Rivendell. We aren't allowed to draw our weapons either because Legolas says that 'the trees are afraid of us, they think we are going to harm them.' I'm going to build a fire tonight just to annoy him.

**White wizard is following us**

I'm the one supposed to be tracking and following, not Saruman. I only met Saruman once, before he became evil and all that. Very nice chap needed a shave though. Once I suggested that Gandalf should shave his off because it would make him look fifty years younger. I woke up the next morning with no eyebrows.


	5. King bloody Theoden

I've finally updated this one, carrying on with the Snape diary as soon as I finish

Chapter five: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**It wasn't the White Wizard**

Well it was, but not Saruman the White. It's Gandalf the White now; he's been brought back white instead of grey. I always thought Gandalf the Grey had a nice ring to it. I knew that Gandalf didn't like me, any chance he gets to hurt me he does. He broke Legolas' arrow, deflected Gimli's axe and then burnt my hand off. Is that fair? He could have said, "Stop! It's Gandalf!" I would have just put the sword down, now I have had to endure Legolas 'cleaning' the cuts. He insisted on it, apparently I have so much muck on my hands that anything could get into the wounds; I blamed Gandalf who raised his eyebrows at me. And Gandalf insists that he is the leader again because I did a terrible job the minute he left.

"You lost all four hobbits, including Frodo who has the ring and Boromir's dead. I am taking Legolas and Gimli to Gondor and you can do what ever you want to."

I mean, it's a bit harsh. I didn't kill Boromir; he was the one being all brave by fighting off fifty orcs by himself. Legolas and Gimli followed Gandalf like good little sheep so I followed them as well. Well I wasn't going to stay in Fanghorn Forest by myself. Gandalf keeps going on about what happened after he fell with the Balrog.

"And I smote my enemy upon the mountainside."

"Er… What does smote mean?" I just had to ask this question, because I had actually been following the story pretty well until now. Gandalf turned slightly in his saddle so I could get the full effect of his stare, Legolas smiled slightly and I think Gimli was too busy staying on the saddle to notice what I'd just said.

"This is man's fate? To have you as their King?"

"So I am actually going to be King?" Gandalf's always refused to tell me.

"Not if you carry on like you are doing." That's avoiding the actual question and I still don't know what 'smote' means.

"So what does smote mean?"

"Threw." See, it would be a lot easier just to say 'threw my enemy on to the mountain' but Gandalf always did have to be over-dramatic. We rode the rest of the way in near silence; Gandalf kept talking to that stupid horse of his.

**Theoden's looking a bit worse for wear**

It's kind of creepy actually; I hadn't noticed when we first came in because we had to fight the guards off with our bare fists. We had all our weapons taken off us at the door, took me quite a while I can tell you. Sword, three knives, two lock picks, a shard of wood I'd picked up from somewhere and hidden in my blanket, another knife, three hairgrips (you never know) and a penknife I keep in my boot. I got some funny looks while I was taking my boots off, Legolas put his head in his hands and apologised to one of the guards! He is so embarrassing.

Anyway, Wormtongue was there next to Theoden. He is the creepiest weirdo I have ever set eyes on; I can't go near him without my skin crawling. Just the way that he looks at you, like he wants to rip your bowels out of your nose. Is that even possible? As Gandalf was trying to get Saruman out, this woman came running in so I made a grab for her and she nearly thumped me. She thought we were killing Theoden, not saving his life as I kept telling her. I told her I was King but she didn't seem too impressed with that either. Gandalf got Saruman out and that woman elbowed me in the stomach and rushed to Theoden's side, who lost about forty years in four seconds, stood up and started waving a sword around. He dragged Wormtongue outside and started going on about making him a beast and crawling around on all fours, I think Gandalf has influenced him in the dramatics department. Gandalf dug me in the back with his staff and glared at me then at Theoden and Wormtongue. I had to stop Theoden killing Wormtongue, then I introduced Theoden as King Of Rohan. I was very exact when saying King of Rohan; I'm the King of everywhere else, even if Gandalf says I'm not.

**Wildmen are burning little villages**

Sounds nasty, these two children came to the gates half dead on a horse that looked like it was about to keel over. Theoden and me had a big argument about whether Rohan should fight or not. I said that they must, there are two thousand fighters loyal to Rohan riding North at this minute and yet he still insisted on going to Helm's Deep. I told him that they had to fight, Saruman wanted them to leave Rohan and because Theoden hadn't killed Wormtongue when he had the chance Saruman will have a pretty good idea of what Theoden will do. He said,

"Last time I looked, Theoden,not Aragorn, was King of Rohan." I started to reply by saying, "I should be King of Rohan and I'd do a damn better job of it than you." But I got as far as "I sho…" before Gandalf grabbed my arm and dragged me to the stables.

"It's a trap." That's what I as saying to Theoden! Why did you bother to drag me out here to say that?

"The defences must hold, they will need you Aragorn, before the end. Look for me on the fifth day at dawn, look towards the east." Great, so now he needs me. Why am I the one who has to baby sit Theoden? And Gandalf didn't even manage to run Legolas over on the way out; I always said that elf should be lighter on his feet.

**The city is emptying**

Theoden said, "Only take what you need." I swear there's a guy over there packing up everything he can lay his hands on. I'm wandering around helping people to pack and generally getting in the way. Theoden isn't packing up his own stuff; he has servants to do that for him. Lazy sod. That woman that I grabbed is called Eowyn and she is a bit of a weirdo. I found her before throwing a sword around, so I drew mine and stopped her from hurting herself. She gave me this little speech about 'women whop do not have swords can still die by them' and that 'she fear neither death nor pain.' Anyone can say that don't fear death or pain stuck in a castle all day with servants and guards everywhere. I told her that pain really hurts and death is painful and scary. She didn't really seem impressed, but she does like my rugged ranger look. She's a bit too weird for my liking- the whole fighting with a sword thing really puts me off. We're setting off in a few hours, the whole city is going so there is going to be hundreds so us. It will take us a couple of days to get to where we're going and I really need to get some sleep. Legolas is washing his hair (yes, again) because he won't be able to during a battle and Helm's Deep has terrible water systems. I reminded him that Saruman's army was marching towards Helm Deep and we have to fight them off in order to stay alive and keep thousands of other people alive as well. He said that he might as well be prepared then.


	6. The Battle of Helm's Deep

Chapter six: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**We're on the way to Helm's Deep**

And I have a horse while everyone else has to trudge along dragging carts of hay and stuff. Gimli is providing everyone with lots of entertainment though, it took him at least half an hour to get onto his horse, another half hour to stay on and then Legolas had to teach him the basics of riding. Theoden couldn't stop complaining, whinging on about Saruman coming down on us where we stood. I reminded him that Saruman was quite a way away and he didn't yet have the power of flight. I can feel the lump coming up on the back on my head. Gimli is describing how women dwarves have beards as well; I wonder what Arwen would look like with a beard… and sideburns?

**Something is attacking us… better check it out**

I am leading this little party anyway; Gandalf did leave me in charge. I'm the best fighter, the best leader and the best looking. I shall lead my people to Helm's Deep. Theoden's rode off. What's he shouting? Wargs? What the hell are those? Stop showing off Lego! He's stood at the top of the hill shooting at whatever is beneath him. I bet he hasn't hit one yet. Well I'm going to run him over if he doesn't get out of the way pretty quickly. Okay. He just did this back flip thing onto Gimli's horse. Bloody elves.

**Well, that went well**

I was almost killed at least five times, slavered all over by an overgrown mongrel, slavered all over by the thing riding on the overgrown mongrel, been tied to the overgrown mongrel and finally been thrown over a cliff by the mongrel. Now I'm sat in a river with a horse trying to snog me. And to top it all I've lost that stupid little pendant that Arwen gave to me and her dad nearly had a heart attack. I wish this horse would sod off. At least my hair has finally got a wash, I never have time usually.

**Ah, the horse wasn't trying to snog me after all**

It was actually trying to 'revive' me so it could take me to Helm's Deep. I'm currently hanging on for my precious and invaluable life while the horse (I've called it Brainless) tried to find the way to Helm's Deep. We passed an army on the way here and Brainless decided to stop and chomp on some grass so I had a little gawp at all the orcs and other deformed things. I wonder where they're going.

**I'm hungry**

Brainless finally got to Helm's Deep and I did the most amazing entrance to the Main Hall that you will ever have witnessed. Legolas tried to act all cool by saying "You're late," but ended up hugging me anyway. He had my pendant as well, I'm so glad; Elrond would have castrated me otherwise. Then he said, "You look terrible." I suggested that I could chuck him off a cliff, get a horse to try and gnaw his nose off and then making him trudge half the way across the world to fight a massive army and see how he looks afterwards. Legolas made the point that he wouldn't have fallen over the cliff in the first place because he's an elf. Gimli is doing his 'war preparation' apparently; I didn't have the time to ask what this involved, seen as I am Commander of the Army of Helm's Deep. I'm the first to admit that it isn't really much of an army, more like a rabble of very badly dressed peasants but I can build on it. I had this horrible dream last night where Saruman's army arrived and just stood there laughing at me with my rabble of peasants until we all got too embarrassed and just went home. I hope Gandalf hurries up.

**Theoden is a royal pain in the arse**

I don't believe him! He never stops whinging. We need to fight and he just farts around being all morbid and telling Eowyn to "put down that sword and do something to help." I'm wondering whether getting Aragorn a decent meal counts as doing something to help.

**Theoden is telling the women to get into the caverns**

I nearly shouted, "It won't save you!" as they closed the door to the caverns. I tend to get a bit dramatic in these situations. You should have heard Eowyn whinging constantly about being able to fight, I'm she muttered something about being better than me. I'm very quickly going off her; at least Arwen doesn't act like she was a man in a former life. However, I do think Elrond was a woman in a former life; I'll have to ask him when I get back. They've found loads of weapons from somewhere so The Rabble are looking slightly more confident. I don't know why, I think they would do better with frying pans rather than the rusty rubbish they're holding at the minute.

**Had ANOTHER argument with Legolas**

He never stops. At least he was talking in Elvish so nobody else could understand him. He doesn't have much confidence in The Rabble and thinks we will all die. I suddenly got all dramatic again and bellowed, "Then I shall die as one of them!" in a very King-like way. I didn't mean it; I shall die in a very more royal way then the rest of The Rabble.

**Met a boy with worse hair than me**

At least I cut mine every few years, and black hair hides dirt so much more better. This lad had blond, or rather mucky blond, waist length hair and looked petrified. I kind of nodded and smiled at him in a reassuring way, but I think I might have scared him more. I told him he had a good sword then left before he ended up stabbing me with it from sheer terror.

**Ever tried to put armour on quickly?**

It takes for-bloody-ever! You get one piece of chain mail on and another one just seems to appear out of thin air. I've got the main piece on, the wrist ones on and one ankle one. I think I've lost the other ankle chain mail. Well I can't just wear one, it looks right stupid. Hang on, found it! It was under my collection of knives. Okay, I think I'm nearly ready. Got all my knives, all my chain mail on, Brainless in wandering around Helm's Deep and my proper horse is in the stables near the keep. Oh, sword. Where's my sodding sword? Oh shit, I can't do anything if I haven't got a sword!

**Legolas has just tried to kill me**

I turned around and he was stood there with my sword in his hand! He looked a bit guilty, handed it to me and then hugged me. I know that if I hadn't turned round when I did, I would be used as ammunition for the catapults before you could say, "Legolas did it." That is, if we had catapults, of course.

**We think Saruman's army is here**

Someone is blowing a horn near the gates, but it doesn't sound like an Orc horn. Ah! It's an army of elves from Rivendell! We are now The Rabble plus a few others! I love Elves! I don't even mind that Elrond is going to be my father-in-law! Daddy!

**I really don't like it up here**

I'm stood at the top of the battlements and it's raining and Theoden is looking very old. I don't want to be Commander of the Army of Helm's Deep anymore. The Rabble are all wetting themselves because we can hear this low booming sound and I shouted to everyone that it was just the sound of Saruman's army. Legolas shouted at me that it was thunder; he's still in a mood because he doesn't think The Rabble will last very long. The Elves will be the last ones left probably then they'll all die as well. I happen to agree, but there's no need to tell everyone. I wish Gimli would stop trying to make jokes; Dwarf jokes are dismally appalling and make you want to cry from pity rather than laughing from mirth.

**The army are here**

I think I shall make a speech that a King would be proud of. "Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none!" I was going to carry on about how brave we allare and how I will lead them into battle like a great leader should, but Theoden shouted, "shut up" across the courtyard. He's just jealous of my speaking abilities, they are what put me in a completely different league than him King-wise. And the fact that I am the most gorgeous thing within a hundred mile radius of Helm's Deep of course. I'm like chocolate ice cream on legs.


	7. Everyone's showing off, even me

Chapter seven: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**Why are they all snorting?**

This is unbelievably scary and all I can think is why the hell did I nominate myself to lead The Rabble? Legolas could have done it. Gimli. Theoden. Anybody! What's everyone looking at me for? Oh yeah. "Archers ready!" It's great how everybody listens to me. I wonder how long they will stay still for until I let my arm drop?

**Three minutes later**

Well, they're still waiting. I think the orcs are getting a bit annoyed because we're not doing anything. I'll let them shoot in a minute. I can hear Legolas and Gimli arguing. No! What are you doing? I said in a minute not right now! Some random peasant has just let go of his arrow and hit an orc right in the face! Actually, that was a pretty reasonably shot. Uh oh. The orcs are mad. I mean really mad. Really, really mad. More mad than the rest of The Rabble is. They're all running towards us with ladders. Oh shit.

**Legolas is such a show off**

He's fighting yet still manages to argue with Gimli. How is that possible? We're fighting off most of the ladders, the orcs are getting madder but Gimli sounds like a miniature pressure cooker at the minute so I won't be going near him for a while. What's going on? One orc is running towards the wall with a torch. I'll get Lego to shoot him.

**He missed**

Well that was pretty crap, wasn't it Lego? You have to do one thing. One sodding thing. Well, the wall has been blown up and it's all Legolas' fault and Theoden will blame me regardless and I'm not being Leader of The Rabble anymore. Someone else can do it. Orcs are pouring through the wall, what's Gimli… oh, he's just jumped right into the middle of them. I suppose I'll have to go and save him? Thought so. Theoden seems to be waving at me. Theoden wouldn't wave at me, even if we did win the war. I'll wave back. No he wasn't waving, he's pointing at the gate…. Oh. Right. The gate's being rammed. Where's Gimli gone? I'll grab him and help Theoden. He'll have to like me if I save his life.

**Too late**

Oops. Theoden got stabbed in the shoulder before I could reach him. Oh well, not my fault, he should watch where he's waving his shoulders. The soldiers are blocking the gate with wood, it's not really helping but I haven't the heart to say anything. I'll just tell Theoden I'm resigning as Leader of The Rabble. Well, he didn't take it very well. He just told me he needed more time and shoved Gimli and me through this side door. I know it's very traumatic but there's no need for violence. Oh, we're about three inches away from the orcs with the battering ram. Theoden wanted time to block the gate properly, not time to get over my resignation. Hang on, what's he expect me to do? I ain't leaping onto that lot. I know I'm great, but I'm not that great! Gimli wants to leap across but can't make it. I'll have to throw him, seems this day could be improving slightly. I suppose I'll have to follow Gimli because if he dies Legolas will kill me and how can I be King if I'm dead? Elrond will probably say he's King because Arwen is with me. I just can't win either way.

**Stab, stab, die, die**

Orcs are the thickest creatures I have ever met, apart from Elrond that is. We jumped across, threw quite a few of them off into the rest of the army and then started to slaughter them and they just carried on bashing the gate. I mean, they didn't actually start fighting back until they couldn't hold the battering ram any more. Theoden has just completely blocked the gate up, and how are we meant to get back inside? Time for a little bit of showing off I think…

**Showing off**

Yep, I'm climbing up a rope hanging down the side of a wall with an angry dwarf in one hand and my sword in the other looking extremely gorgeous and brave and manly etc, etc. Legolas must be damn strong; he's the one pulling us up this stupid wall. Theoden will be sad to hear I've survived and back inside the walls. He seems to be just standing around at the minute, probably whinging about getting poked in the shoulder by the orc before. Everyone is shouting that the orcs have breached the walls, well, yeh; they did that about three hours ago. I'm going to tell everyone to pull back to the Keep. I'd better fetch Gimli first; I swear he enjoys butchering things way too much. Why is Legolas going down a flight of steps on a shield? Bloody show-off.

**Haldir's dead**

I would usually come up with something quite funny and inappropriate at this point but Haldir hugged me before and he was the only one who would come near me at the time because of the state of my hair. He'll be missed. His eyebrows didn't match his hair, but… he'll be missed.

**I'm gonna kill me some orc**

I'm really annoyed at the moment so I'm going to go and massacre a whole load of orcs to make me feel better. Excuse me for a second.

**Killed loads of orcs, feeling much better**

Ran back into the Keep and Theoden told me to look at the gaping 'wound' in his shoulder. I've had worse scratches climbing onto my horse. We had a bit of an argue then we both suddenly got very King-like and I started having a little rant, "Ride out with me, ride out and meet them. For Rohan, for your people." Then Theoden started about sounding the horn or some rubbish, I was too busy wondering how impressive I looked when I'd said my little speech to care. Anyway, we're riding out and I have learnt that I should keep my mouth shut and not make stupid suggestions like riding out to meet them. Legolas is smirking at me; well he won't be for long. He can ride out with us as well and Theoden agrees he can. Legolas is growling at me; serves him right.

**Why is everyone showing off today?**

We got out to the walls and suddenly the sun starts to rise and then Gandalf's voice starts going 'look for me at dawn on the fifth day… blah, blah, blah….' And there he is, with the Riders of Rohan. Eomer is looking exceedingly stupid with his massive helmet on because it makes his head look three times bigger than his body. But it's very funny so I'm not actually going to tell him how stupid he looks. What the hell is that? Oh, it's only the horn, that dwarf has got some lung capacity. All the orcs have been immobilised by the sight of Eomer's helmet. And Gandalf is now slaughtering them all.

**We've won**

I, Leader of The Rabble, proclaim that we have won the Battle of Helm's Deep and I, Leader of The Rabble, will now get completely drunk in way of celebration.

**What?**

Of course I'm Leader of The Rabble, I didn't actually give in my resignation formally. There's Eowyn looking a bit bedraggled from sitting in that cave for five days. What does Gandalf want? Oh, he always has to ruin everything. Apparently we're not allowed to get drunk, we have to carry on towards Isenguard to defeat Saruman. We're not even allowed a rest or (in Legolas' case) a bath. He nearly hit Gandalf when he said we couldn't stop for a wash. I don't really care that much. And Gandalf said I'm not allowed to lead the way to Isenguard because it's apparently my fault we lost the hobbits and am not to be trusted to find Isenguard. When I'm King he won't be able to talk to me like this.


	8. The hobbits are drunk

Chapter Eight: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**Gandalf's lost**

And he won't admit it. We've been wandering around these woods for god knows how long and he's in a mood because he said I would get us lost if I led the way. Just shows that being white doesn't always mean the person wearing it is wise. That's why I wear black, its long lasting and durable, doesn't show stains that badly and gives me a mysterious air. I'm so bored, there's nothing to look at in this stupid wood and I can't even smoke because Legolas says it makes the trees nervous. I think he's losing the few marbles he had in the first place.

**We've found Isenguard**

Or what's left of it anyway, apparently the Ents (the moving trees) got annoyed and so attacked Saruman and have flooded his castle and grounds. Merry and Pippin are here too, and are currently drunk. I took a second to point this out to Gandalf who refused to let me get drunk after the battle of Helm's Deep. The hobbits didn't even do anything except sit on the top of a tree and now they're sat on a wall completely drunk eating pork! At least I killed a few hundred orcs. Now Gimli's started whinging about them being drunk, Gandalf might give in if all three of us continuously complain, apart from the fact that Legolas 'apparently' doesn't drink. He's such a wimp. Treebeard's coming over, he has taken over control of Isenguard and is guarding Saruman; he's locked himself in the highest room of his castle. Hang on, did I just hear Treebeard right? I'm sure he just called Gandalf 'Young, master Gandalf,' now there's definitely nothing young about Gandalf and not much masterful about him either really. They really need a better drainage system in this place, there's water everywhere and I've got a drunk hobbit clutching to me for dear life, I think he might drown if he falls into the water. I think he's slipping. Yep, he's fallen. No, he 'meant' to fall off apparently. He's kidding no one.

"Pippin," what's he found now? He's like a two-year old, you have to keep an eye on him constantly or else he'll start chewing on anything he picks up. It looks like a massive globe with fire in the middle of it. Gandalf's just snatched it off him; he doesn't let anyone have any fun. Now he's announced we're riding back to Rohan and back to Theoden, the Happiest King that Ever Lived. And his obsessive daughter who can't take a hint. I hate Rohan. And Theoden. Especially Theoden.

**Theoden's having a feast**

For all those who died at Helm's Deep and the few that died on the way to Helm's Deep. I really miss being Leader of The Rabble, it was fun. Theoden's trying to be impressive so I'd better start listening…

'Hail the victorious dead!' That's a bit out of Theoden's speech that has been annoying me for at least half an hour. If you died, how can you be victorious? You're dead. There's nothing victorious about it. Perhaps I'm just being picky. At least I've managed to avoid Eowyn until now. Oh hell.

Eowyn keeps offering me different cups of things to sip and saying stuff in another language to me. I keep nodding and downing these random liquids and she could be saying anything to me. 'I hate you and hope you die soon,' and I just nod and drink whatever it is she's holding out. I have to get away from her- I'll go and talk to Gandalf; at least he's letting us drink for once. Merry and Pippin have consumed even more stuff and are currently dancing on the table, that's one advantage of being small I suppose, you can dance on table without cracking your head or breaking the table.

**Gandalf isn't very inspiring**

Asked Gandalf whether Frodo was alive. Said he didn't know. Asked him if he thought he was dead. Said he hopes not. He's not being very responsive tonight. Crabby old git.

**Bored stupid **

It late, and I mean very late. Everyone's in bed or passed out from drink and I didn't even manage to get drunk in the end. Wandering around Rohan in the pitch-blackness is not very nice, especially with randomers snoring around you. I think I'll go up to the roof.

**On the roof, still pitch-black, still not drunk**

Legolas is up here, staring out across the land with his hood up looking very mysterious. Wish Boromir was here, we could at least have a horse race or something, hanging around is just so boring. And Legolas is too dreary to have a horse race. I think I'll go and talk to him.

'The stars are veiled.' See, the minute I try and have a conversation with him that doesn't involve blaming him for something he comes out with rubbish like this. I'll just wait and see if he says anything else.

'Something stirs in the East. A sleepless malice.' What's one of them? I really think Legolas needs to start drinking; it's amazing how easily conversation comes when you're drunk.

'The eye of the enemy is moving.' Ah! Well that one I can understand. He's talking about Sauron. The whole 'eye' thing is actually quite creepy and I don't really want him to see Legolas and me on the roof so I'm going to go downstairs.

'He's here.' Who? Sauron? Impossible. He's a giant eye. Why is Merry shouting? Oh bugger.

**I saved Pippin!**

Wooo! My manliness as a leader has reasserted itself. I burst in and grabbed the Palanthir off Pippin who was rolling around on the floor with it for some strange reason. Well, it started sucking the energy out of me and I fell over (very gracefully) and Legolas caught me, I did however feel a bit of a twit lying in Legolas' arms and I think Legolas felt a bit of a twerp as well. I dropped it and it rolled across the floor a bit until Gandalf threw a blanket of it and said, 'Fool of a Took.' I was about to point out that Gandalf had already said that in the Mines of Moria but Legolas just shook his head so I kept quiet.

Gandalf's interrogating Pippin about what happened. Pippin says that he saw 'a white tree in a courtyard of stone. It was dead. He saw him. He can still hear his voice in his head.' I voted we take him to the forest, tie him to a tree and wait until Sauron stops talking to him. Gandalf told me to keep my foolish suggestions to myself. It was only an idea.

Theoden's not happy. He thinks we should take Pippin to the forest and kill him. I told him to keep his foolish suggestions to himself. Gandalf shook his head and said 'Pippin is a fool. But an honest fool he remains.' So apparently him stealing the Palanthir (from right under Gandalf, literally) makes him an honest fool. I should steal stuff sometimes. I bet if I steal Theoden's horse I won't be an honest fool. I'd be a dead fool.

The courtyard was Minas Tirith and Gandalf's talking about Sauron. Apparently he knows that 'the heir has come forth' meaning that I've been bullied into coming forth by Elrond. Theoden refuses to ride to their aid and even warn them to prepare for a battle.

'They must be warned!' That was me, Gandalf and me are ganging up on Theoden, he surely can't be as mean as he makes out to be. Hang on, Gandalf's giving me some instructions, I suppose I had better listen

'… and look to the black ships.' What? What ships? Why are they black? I don't dare ask him to repeat it; he'll have my legs out from under me with that staff of his.

'I will ride for Minas Tirith, but I won't be going alone.' Yes! Gandalf is leaving! I get to be leader again! Hang on, who's going with you then? I'm not. I refuse to ride anywhere with you, especially without Lego and Gimli. Nope, Pippin's going with him. I get to be leader! Lego is going to be so pleased!


	9. Elrond is a prat

Disclaimer: Don't own it

Here's a nice quote that you all might like:

'**Speaking of zombies, Tolkien rose from his grave a few days ago. He told us that we might as well hook him up to a power generator, so his constant spinning in his grave could light the world.'**

Pretty groovy eh?

Chapter 9: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**Gandalf's just left**

Wooo! He's gone! Merry is a bit upset though; him and Pippin haven't spent long apart before now. There goes Gandalf; I want a horse like Shadowfax, he's very Kingly. Ouch! Stupid hobbit, why can't they look where they're going? I have just been almost rugby tackled to the ground by a fast-moving hobbit. Oh, it's Merry; he's climbing up the watchtower to see Pippin fade into the distance. Suppose I'm the one who has to go and comfort him? Yep, thought so.

Can't… breathe… why…do…watch…towers…have…be…so…high? There's Merry, I think I should say something comforting. 'It was his own fault.' No, that doesn't sound quite right. I'll just stand here and be quiet. I've just thought, Pippin will see Denethor, who was Boromir's father and Pippin doesn't know for definite that he's dead. Oh, he's in trouble.

**Bored, no word from Gondor, sat staring out of a window **

I think Legolas is brushing his hair behind me. I'm expecting him to attack me with it any second. Why is the hill on fire? Oh, it's the beacons. Time for me to do something suitably King-like. Where's Theoden?

"The beacons of Minas Tirith! The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid." Oh yeah, throw back the doors, toss hair around a bit. I am so gorgeous. Eowyn is practically drooling. Oooookay, that's slightly creepy. I'm just going to stand over here a bit.

"Then Rohan must answer!" Yep, I've said that all along. I'm going to go and pack.

**Fully packed, got all my daggers and swords strapped on**

It feels like I'm carrying Gimli around with me, I've forgotten how heavy all this rubbish is. Oh no. Eowyn's packing a horse.

"You ride with us?" Please say no, please say no.

"Just to the encampment. It's tradition for the women of the Court to farewell the men." Ah balls. Can't you just say farewell here? Hang on; she's got a sword in her pack.

"The Men have found their Captain, they will follow you into battle, even to death. You have given us hope." I don't want to lead you into battle; I want to kill a couple of Orcs then brag to Legolas about how great I am. I think the soldiers are beginning to assemble; I had better go and join them if I am to be their 'Captain.' Hang on, if I'm their Captain then does that mean I have more authority than Theoden? I think it does.

**We're at the encampment. **

Hopefully Eowyn will bugger off now. Theoden is seeing how many men have come from the different parts. Apparently we have six thousand spears, it won't be enough and everyone knows it.

"We have till dawn. Then we must ride." Theoden knows I'm right. He's nodding. He's agreeing with me. He's actually agreeing with me for once! He must finally realise that I am the true King and he is just a stand-in till I get my crown.

We're camped under this huge mountain and it's really creepy, horses are scared of it and the men are quiet. There's a path leading up to it and its really dark, I don't like it. Legolas is being really dramatic about it, which isn't helping one bit going on about the 'road to Dimholt, the door under the mountain.' Which, to be frank, is almost impossible. Now he's got Eomer started,

"None who venture there ever return. That mountain is evil…" Get a grip man! A mountain can't be evil. Though it does look very angry, you've got me started now! I can't stop staring at it.

"Aragorn!" Ahhh! What the hell! Never creep up on someone when they are staring down a dark pathway overshadowed by an evil mountain! Gimli?

"Let's get some food." You scared the eyebrows off me just to tell me that? Dwarves.

**Trying to get to sleep**

I would rather sleep on the ground, but Theoden insist I have a tent. He thinks I am trying to show off my manliness by sleeping on the floor. Just had a dream about Arwen, she was dying because she chose a mortal life. Why can't I have a nice dream for a change? Of green forests, bright stars at night and pleasant non-evil mountains? Someone's coming, where's my sword gone?

"King Theoden awaits you, my Lord." Typical, Theoden has to decide to talk to me now; can't it wait till the morning? The guard is still gawping at me, suppose I had better go and see what he wants.

Theoden's tent is bigger than mine. Much bigger. And there's some weirdo stood in the corner with his hood thrown over his face. It's Elrond.

" I take my leave." Theoden's left. Well, this isn't good. Is this really the right time for Elrond to start lecturing me on leaving his daughter alone?

"I come on behalf of one whom I love." Well, this could get interesting. I bet it's Gimli; he wants him out of the battle or something.

"Arwen is dying." Oh, wrong type of love. Arwen? So that dream was Elrond playing silly-buggers again.

"She stayed?" Elrond's nodding.

"She will not long survive the evil that now spreads from Mordor." And it's all my fault, as usual.

"The light of the Evenstar is failing. As Sauron's power grows, her strength wanes. Arwen's life is now tied to the fate of the Ring. The Shadow is upon us, Aragorn, the end has come."

"It will not be our end, but his." Did Elrond just snort? Or is he coughing?

"You ride to war, but not to victory. Sauron's armies march on Minas Tirith this you know, but in secret he sends another force, which will attack from the river… A fleet of Corsair ships sails from the South." He can never say things simply can he? And you'll have noticed how he managed to get that little gibe in about me 'not knowing.'

"You need more men." Never. I thought Sauron's army would only be a couple of orcs and perhaps a goblin or two. Idiot.

"There are none."

"There are those who dwell in the mountain." No prizes for guessing who'll have to go and get them.

"Murderers, traitors, you would call upon them to fight? They believe in nothing. They answer to no one." They live a mountain for goodness sake. And how do ghosts actually fight?

"They will answer to the King of Gondor." Who? Oh, me. Yeh, well I don't really fancy going into the angry mountain and asking them actually, you see I have to live long enough to lead my army into battle.

"Anduril, flame of the West... forged from the shards of Narsil." Oooo. Pretty. Very pretty. Give! You might have the better horse Gandalf, but I've got the better sword!

"Sauron will not have forgotten the sword of Elendil." Who makes up these names? And who names a sword anyway?

"The blade that was broken shall return to Minas Tirith." So this will convince murders and traitors that I'm King and that they should follow me? I'm not liking the sound of it. Elrond's raising his eyebrows, that's the signal that a very long, boring and more than likely pointless speech is about to be said.

"Put aside the Ranger, become who you were born to be, take the Dimholt Road." Well wasn't a very long speech. I think he's finally realised that I don't take any notice of them.

"Onen i-estel Edain." What? Oh, he's gabbing in Elvish. Translate: I give hope to Men. I need to think of something suitable to say in return, in Elvish of course.

"U-chebin estel anim." I keep none for myself. I think that sounds quite impressive. I suppose I had better go and tell the dead guys to help me fight Sauron. It sounds more ludicrous every time I say it.

**Eowyn is whinging at me**

"Why are you doing this?" Oh do you never go away? Yep, you guessed it. It's Eowyn, the man machine.

"The war lies to the East. You cannot leave on the eve of battle. You cannot abandon the men." Actually, yes I can and I am, you aren't the only one capable of making manly decisions you know.

"Why have you come?"

"Do you not know?" Yes, because you love me and want to follow me everywhere and it's really starting to creep me out. Please just go away… a bit further….

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love... I cannot give you what you seek." Please don't look at me like that. It's almost as bad as when you tell Legolas to stop messing around with his hair and start fighting. I'm going now…

"And just where do you think you're off to?" Oh no, not the dwarf as well. Elrond told me to do it, go and have a go at him.

"Not this time. This time you must stay, my friend." No point both of us getting killed.

"Have you learnt nothing of the stubbornness of Dwarves?" Legolas? You want to come as well? I suppose three of us may stand more chance. And they might believe I am the King if I have a dwarf and an elf with me. Its doubtful, but it'll make me feel better as least.

"You might as well accept it, we're going with you, laddie." Hell, I'm not arguing. While they're killing you I can run away.


	10. Pros and Cons

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing. Want everything.

Chapter Ten: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**Why did I agree to this?**

Why oh why? It's dark, creepy, cold and Gimli keeps complaining about being perched on the back of Legolas' horse. All the men are asking where we are going, Legolas told me to ignore them so I am doing. Hopefully Theoden will come and say something intelligent.

"He leaves because he must."

Not near as intelligent as I anything I would have said, but I suppose it'll do.

"We cannot defeat the armies of Mordor!"

Soldiers are so over-dramatic. We all know that we can't defeat Mordor, but nobody is actually SAYING it out loud.

"No, we cannot. But we will meet them in battle, nonetheless."

I don't think Theoden quite gets the point that we are meant to be reassuring and saying 'you're all going to die' might not be the best way to do it. Talk about boosting moral. That was more of a 'kill as many of them before they kill you, which they inevitably will do' line. Legolas has a 'let's hope that they kill so many of us that they get depressed and stop' face on at the minute. Moody git.

"What kind of an army would linger in such a place?"

That's Gimli. I don't think he's quite understood what I'm searching for. A DEAD army that live in a MOUNTAIN, CURSED for all of TIME until they do something important. That's the kind of army that would live here. And I have to try and get them out of said mountain to do a bit more killing.

"One that is cursed. Long ago the Men of the Mountain swore an oath to the last King of Gondor to come to his aid, to fight, but when the time came, when Gondor's need was dire, they fled. Vanishing the darkness of the mountain. So Isildur cursed them never to rest until they had fulfilled their pledge."

I'm so sure that's what I just said. With a few longer words in it. We're coming up to the mouth of mountain, it looks absolutely awful. Wonder if Elrond will mind if I just leave the mountain spirits in peace and go off into the wilderness for a couple of decades living off roots and small animals? I have for the past however many years. And it's not like Middle Earth needs a King, they've survived this long without one. If you can call is surviving, with Boromir's barmy father running around.

"The very warmth of my blood is stolen away."

I don't want to know about your body, thank you, Gimli. Anyway what did you expect? A welcome mat?

"The way is shut. It was made by who are dead, and the Dead keep it. The way is shut."

Yes, thank you, I can read. You can't be King without knowing how to read. Gimli is an uncultured pleb and probably doesn't care what it says. Show off. Seriously, Legolas thinks he is the only one who can do anything around here.

**This just gets better**

The horses have buggered off. The only sane being around here was my horse and now he's run off and left me with the big-head and empty-head. Do we go in? Or stand around outside like gormless idiots? Let me just weigh the pros and cons of this situation

PROS: I would appear extremely manly

It would show that I am leader and therefore make all important decisions

It would suggest that I am braver than Legolas

Gandalf would finally have to recognise that I am King material

CONS: I might die

I think I'll stand around outside like a gormless idiot.

**Why is Legolas looking at me?**

Oh yeah, now you want to know what I think. You didn't care what I thought at Elrond's council, or in the mines, or at Galadrial's, or while we were fighting or at any point in between. This is just so that if he gets killed he can blame me for it. Hmm, Legolas might get killed/seriously injured. Does that go in the pros or cons list?

"I do not fear death." Now that was a manly line, my hair blowing around my face, brand new sword in my hand and certain death ahead of me. Come my loyal subjects, forward!


	11. What being King entails

**Disclaimer: **Who gives one? Whoop! Whoop!

Chapter eleven: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**Don't like it**

I mean really, really don't like it. It smells of dead people in here. Wondering if I can inconspicuously push Legolas in front of me so if he gets impaled it'll give me some warning…

Hang on, if I just light this. Ha! I can see! It isn't that bad in here, a bit dark, a bit wet, a bit smelly but hey, what do you expect?

**Arrrrgggghhhh!**

I think the mountain is falling down! It's making this huge cracking sound! A now the walls are coming alive… Oh, no they're not. There are people IN the walls. And they're moving. Ewww one of them coming towards us, what do I do? What do I do? Hang on a minute. They're dead. How much damage can they actually do?

"Who enters my domain?"

Er. Legolas. Legolas enters your domain. Wants to ask your allegiance. I told him it was a stupid idea but he wouldn't listen to me. Me and the dwarf are really just mild acquaintances of his; in fact we only came along because it's either this or fighting orcs.

You know what? I'm King (soon to be) and I shall start standing up for myself!

"One who will have your allegiance!" Legolas is actually looking quite impressed. You have no idea how long it took me to think up that line.

"The dead do not suffer the living to pass," what's that meant to mean?

"You will suffer me!" If I weren't currently having a staring contest with a very mouldy-looking dead guy I would do a dance in celebration of my brilliance.

**Okay, maybe wasn't the _best_ thing I could of said**

When Elrond said a dead _army_ I thought he was kidding. There is actually an army down here. And they're all pointing weapons at me. Say something Aragorn… diffuse the situation…

"I summon you to fulfil your oath…" Good? Bad? Stupid? Brave?

"None but the King of Gondor can command me!" Me! But I'm not _technically_ King yet, I mean, does that count against me or can I just say that I am? Are there legalities tied up with the whole King thing?

**I won**

Basically. He attacked me, I threw my new sword at him and he stopped. He will help us in return for me letting the army's oath be fulfilled. I'm going to have to ask Gandalf what this actually entails, because I don't actually know.

**Getting more worried about the whole 'King Thing'**

I know, we're sailing to battle hundred of thousands, maybe millions, of Orcs and big things with tusks and other dangerous, metal-wielding creatures intent on ripping my intestines out, but I'm wondering about the King aspect of it all.

I mean, do I get control over the _whole_ of Middle-Earth or can I pick and choose? I quite like the forests and mountains and everything like that but I'd rather leave out some of the more manky parts. And how much power do I actually have? Will I suddenly turn round one day to find Elrond has secretly been running everything for the past thirty years?

**Have told Legolas and Gimli…**

… That **I** am getting off the ship first because a) I am King and b) I want to make a big entrance. They didn't really seem that fussed but I know what Legolas is like, jealously will be his downfall.

**Hardly did anything**

The army just seemed to sweep over everything and kill it all. How they knew enemy from friend I'll never know, I think I accidentally stabbed some random Gondor bloke but I don't think anyone saw me. Legolas showed off by killing this huge grey thing and did this stupid pose when he'd finished and right at that minute I was wishing an Orc would hit him from behind with something big and made of metal. I was sorely disappointed.

**I released the army**

Gandalf told me to go away and stop asking him stupid questions about dead armies while he was trying to tend to people who were wounded and of more importance than myself so I just made up releasing the army as I went along.

"I hold your oath fulfilled? Go? Be at peace?" It seemed to work anyway. I half expected them to just stand there gawping at me then burst out laughing before saying something like "no, you need to cut one of your arms off to release us or we'll haunt you forever and all your children will look suspiciously like us." Luckily they didn't, I think Arwen would have me castrated if that happened.

**Hmmm**

Apparently Theoden is dead. He was an annoying old git but… no, actually he was just an annoying old git. If I wasn't stood in the middle of a battlefield surrounded by dead bodies I would bow and give myself a round of applause.

**Merry's alive!**

Pippin found him somewhere on the battlefield. It's nice to see them two back together though I am rather disheartened to see that both of them have better armour on than me.

**Gandalf has decided to talk to me**

Apparently I am now more important than the wounded. Considered ignoring him out of pure, unadulterated childishness but I know what it feels like to be whacked across the back of the legs with that staff of his.

"Frodo has passed beyond my sight." Who? Oh him! I'd forgotten about him! What's happening with the whole Frodo thing?

"The darkness is deepening." I don't understand that one bit so I'm going to pretend I didn't hear him. It sounds like one of the stupid things Legolas used to say. Just a minute, I have an idea!

"Draw out Sauron's armies, empty his lands. Gather our full strength and march on the Black Gates." I think Gimli has just swallowed the pipe he was smoking and Legolas has fainted. Always has to be overdramatic and centre stage, Eomer has gone to help him.

"We cannot achieve victory from strength of arms." When are people just going to start accepting what I say without questioning it? I am King, and you are my adoring subjects who do what I tell you, when I tell you. I shouldn't have to explain myself to you!

"Keep Sauron's eye fixed on us. Keep him blind to al else that moves." I always wondered what life as a giant eye would be like. Must be painful if it starts raining.

Worse if it freezes.


	12. I'm King! Woooohoooo!

**Disclaimer: **The last one you're getting. I don't own anything, but the socks on my feet. Wait, I'm not wearing socks…

Woohooo! The LAST chapter of Ramblings!!! I feel privileged to been allowed to write this complete mockery of Lord of the Rings, and thank you to everyone who has reviewed over the last however many chapters.

Please read and review. Tis nice to get some feedback.

Chapter Twelve: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

**I've been given cool armour!**

Legolas said if I'm going to die I have to die in style. Pointing out that the whole idea of wearing armour is to stop me from dying did not deter him in the slightest. Had a chat with Gandalf as well, he advised me not to die before I become King, because everything that he has fought for will go down the toilet if there's no one there at the end of it all to take over. Again, pointing out that I had no intention of dying and it wasn't really up to me anyway did not stop him whinging about 'men from Gondor thinking they are God's gift and taking over everything.' Though, I can't see Faramir leading a flock of sheep never mind an entire kingdom.

**It's cold**

Stood outside the Black Gates, and we are being ignored. Now, in the civilised world, this would be deemed rude, but nobody is about to go and tell a giant eye to stop being ignorant. But I'm getting colder by every second, and my hair keeps blowing in my face. Legolas insisted on washing it so now I smell of lavender. Those orcs are going to be so frightened as the manly smell of lavender washes over them. Gandalf is nodding at me. Why is he nodding at me? I suspect he wants me to do something; because now for some reason I'm suddenly an extremely important person.

**Still stood here**

Still not really all that sure what to do. I mean, I don't really fancy antagonising a giant eye with millions of orcs at his disposal. I might get hurt. I suppose this was my idea, I've got to do something. But I'm taking everyone with me for moral support.

**Rode up to the black gates**

And I must say, they certainly are black. And big. Very, very big. I did a bit of shouting but I'm not really sure if the eyeball heard me, I mean one man cannot be heard through tons of black gate. I shouted,

"Let the lord of the Black Land come forth; let justice be done upon him." Which I thought was pretty groovy and well thought out, but Gandalf just shook his heard and tutted for a bit before wandering off. I mean, what's wrong with what I said? Not provocative enough? Next time, he can do all the talking and I'll just stand there, it's easier that way.

**Well he definitely heard me**

And he's now staring at me. Not that there's much else he can do, really. There are hundreds of orcs and they're all looking at me wielding various pointy objects. Wish Boromir was here. At least he was a human, and he wasn't as pompous as Gandalf, as self-righteous as Legolas or as short as Gimli. I want Boromir. Hmm, all the men seem to be backing away from me. Hang on, Gandalf wrote me a little speech if this should happen, let me just dig it out of my armour…

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. The day may come when the courage of Men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship; but it is not this day -- an hour of wolves and shattered shields, when the Age of Man comes crashing down, but it is not this day!!! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand!"

I'm actually quite impressed; I shall employ Gandalf as my official speechwriter. If there is such a thing. And if we both survive as long as to write more speeches, as the orcs have now got us completely surrounded. The lavender smell is being overpowered by sweaty orc smell. Not sure which is worse to be truthful.

**Lego and Gimli are having a heart to heart**

They're being all soppy and I am feeling distinctly left out.

"Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf."

Not a very cheerful outlook on life Gimli, you might not die. You might. In fact the odds are you will, but no need to be morbid about it.

"What about side by side with a friend?"

Do you two want me to leave or something? I mean, seriously. Even Gandalf is shuffling away from you. I would give you a withering look if I weren't currently having a staring competition with a particularly ugly orc. I suppose I'm the one who has to start the party? Yep, thought so. It was my idea to do this anyway.

"For Frodo!" CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGEEEEEE!

**We're all gonna die…**

There are thousands of orcs, and about a hundred of us. Great, and now there's a Nazgul glaring at me. Hang on; it's gone for Gandalf instead. Never mind.

Eagles! Eagles? Where the hell did they… Gandalf is looking at me smugly; it's got to be something to do with him. Show-off.

"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!" Yes Pippin, the Eagles are coming. Gandalf has saved the day, never mind my brilliant heroic acts or awe-inspiring speeches, just thank Gandalf for _finally_ using his wizard powers to actually help us.

**Oh balls**

There is a really big, hairy, ugly _thing_ wobbling its way towards me. With a mallet. Where's Legolas when you need him? Oh crap. Ow, that hurts. A lot.

**Saved by…**

…. Absolutely no one. That's right. The King of Middle Earth is being stood on by a huge, dribbling mound of smelly flesh and it takes Mount Doom imploding for anyone to actually notice. And when they did notice they didn't bloody come and help did they! The troll ran off because it was scared of the noise, Legolas helped me up and just looked at me as though he was wondering why I was lying on the floor.

So, Mount Doom is imploding, there's smoke and ash flying everywhere. Looks like Frodo has succeed. Once again I am upstaged, firstly by Gandalf and his flying Eagles, this time by a three-foot tall squirt and his fat friend.

**Gandalf had a plan**

He went and saved them on the back of one of his Eagles, Frodo was looking a bit battered when they brought him in. We're at Elrond's at the minute, Arwen looked very pleased to see me, Elrond less so, apparently he was making bets with Galadriel about how long I would last before dying. He bet four hours. Grouchy old fart. Apparently Frodo has just woken up so we're all going to go and jump on his bed (well, Merry and Pippin are, I don't think it'll hold my weight as well). Wish Boromir were here, he wasn't such a bad fellow, if you overlooked the evil intentions, trying to kill Frodo and frequently calling me an idiot.

**Woooohhhhoooooooo**

I'm getting crowned today! I can't wait! Legolas has spent the last few days 'prepping' me. I've had my hair washed and cut, I've grown my manly stubble a bit so it's more of a manly beard at the minute, had my nails cleaned (that took quite a few hours on its own) and I've got a completely new outfit, which is surprisingly comfortable.

**I'm King! Bask in my greatness! **

Gandalf crowned me, it seems we've decided to put any arguments that we had during the Fellowship into the past and forget about them.

"Now come the days of the King. May they be blessed."

I'm officially King! Oh, this is going to be brilliant! I need to think of something Kingly and magnificent and jaw-droppingly amazing.

"This day does not belong to one man but to all. Let us together rebuild this world that we may share in the days of peace." They're all cheering me! Woohhooo! Now I shall walk among the peasants for a while.

**I love the peasants **

Oh there's Eowyn, she's married Faramir but before she did she asked me one last time if I fancied running away with her. I politely declined; Elrond would string me up by my intestines if I ever even considered leaving Arwen after all I've put her through.

And there's Eomer, still with that ridiculous hat on. What does he think he looks like?

Next, the elves. Legolas looks pretty groovy actually, though he's got this little band thing round his head which makes him look right poncey. There's Arwen, the love of my life. And Elrond is smiling at us, oh yeah I become King and now you're pleased for us, elves are quite shallow beings.

The Hobbits are here as well, in their normal clothes, looking as cute and innocent as the first time I saw them in the Prancing Pony. How long ago that seems, and the Hobbits have learnt so much, Frodo even has a weird glint in his eye. They tried to bow to me but I, finally, managed to upstage them with my quick thinking….

"My friends, you bow to no one."


End file.
